Home > Faith > The LTDC, volume viii: Opening My Eyes Again

The LTDC, volume viii: Opening My Eyes Again

3258358536_b8f1c396e4My faith has been extraordinarily sluggish in its expression and growth over the last five years, largely because it’s done the opposite of grow during that time. I was talking with a friend the other day about our experience of faith and life and how it has evolved from our twenties into our thirties. I was very…exuberant in my twenties. My faith was vibrant, my confidence was high, and I knew how life was supposed to work. I could take big risks and try new things, I could pray with passion and move across the country to follow my dreams. The world belonged to me, in a manner of speaking. Now I am not so certain about things. Perhaps I belong to the world, no scriptural references intended. A poem by Stephen Crane comes to mind that I discovered in high school and admired then as a person admires a distant planet:

A man said to the universe:
“Sir I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation.”

Lately I think I am living on that planet. Or rather in that universe. It is…I was about to say humbling, but that gives me too much credit…discombobulating at times, devastating at other times, to discover how insignificant I am on these terms, that life is not actually all about what I want and how big I can dream. This has been my process during the last five years, which readers of this blog are probably aware of.

Lately though, it has felt different. Freeing, in a way, since I am frankly no longer as important. I am discovering a bit more of what it is to be, to exist and do my part and not worry so much about myself. And perhaps this could be just as profound and life-changing at times to others as I imagined in my big-dreaming ways that confident, bold faith could be.

Time seems often to hold me back. Time to sit and process where I’ve come to, to poke at the carcass of what has died and look around at the other things that have grown around it. Time to blog and read blogs, and books, and have conversations. Ah, who has that sort of time 🙂 In any case, I seem to be looking around again, even if I can’t see very far right now. My life, I have come to decide, is really not all that bad.

Photo credit: sevenphonecalls
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