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I Am Transparent

I’m running out of time to waste putzing around and not looking for my passion. It won’t be very long before the kids start to notice. Either there is more to the world than a bunch of carbon-based life forms swarming around a ball of dirt hurtling through space, or there is not. Lately in my life I have lived as though there is not. Wake up, go to work, make some money, pay some bills, spend time with my family and my friends, go to sleep. Repeat. Subsist. Not unlike a virus on a host organism, although a socially oriented virus. Don’t get me wrong; I enjoy my days, all in all. And on these terms that might be difficult enough for most folks.

There is a part of me that is aware though that life is not as bleak as all this. That life is pretty darn good, regardless of whether or not people around me agree with that or live like it’s so. Perhaps it is the tendency of someone in the habit of hearing and understanding other people’s worldviews to take on the burdens inherent in those philosophies as well,  stubbornly believing that everything is explainable, redeemable, if not mutually inclusive or compatible. The end effect though is I end up more burdened than I began. Not to mention still passionless.

I often find myself stuck on the first step back to life. Or rather, stuck looking for it. Show me the stair and I’ll take it; at least that is what I say to myself. I am the dead ready to be wakened at the first sound of the call. And perhaps I already know the stair or have heard the call but have discredited it on a failure or two of my own and the testimony of others. And perhaps my mental calisthenics are all a careful ruse to keep myself from risking too much, from caring too deeply or living too passionately.

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

It is safer that way, though I will be the first to tell you it is not better. But my words in the end will be buried with me. So again: show me the actions and I will take them. Or perhaps what I am saying is show me the actions that I can accept as the correct ones and I will take them. This part of me pushes me up when I sink too low; that part of me stuffs me down if I threaten to rise too high. I am the wrong person to ask to save myself.

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  1. April 19, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    one of the great goals of life is to penetrate its everyday routines. so much of what we do is purely functional, practical, prosaic. But there is so much more than that. Open the imagination, and the magic of life and the everyday starts to shine through. A deeper meaning to the ordinary habits and places.

  2. Benjamin Owens
    April 19, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    We have fallen in to a circul – help me find the actions I can do that will make me content that will lead to … status quo … that will lead to … discontent … that will lead to … desire for new actions that can change it up, and lead to contentment that will lead to …

    But I am caught in the current with you, so my advice is circular. Instead, I will paraphrase a wise man named Harris Telemacher :

    You see, I know there is something that will make you happy. I know it. There is some move I could make, the right word, attitude, plan, but these are all tricks; these are just things I would think up and try. But let’s forgo that. Let’s assume that whatever that thing is, that whatever it is that you secretly know would make you happy, has occurred, that it has happened, that my hand has already gone down your throat and grabbed your heart and squeezed it.

  3. April 20, 2009 at 9:46 am

    You had me stumped with the LA Story quote. I must be slipping. I’ll have to watch that again. I like the quote a lot. I’ve been chewing on it since I first read it. Thanks.

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